If you are considering going to couples therapy but feel uncertain, you are not alone. Many couples feel incredibly nervous to start couple's therapy. I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and I've been working with couples in therapy for seventeen years. I've seen college-aged couples all the way to couples in their eighties, and every age in between. I'd like to clarify some common misconceptions and ease any anxieties that you might have about the process.
"Why do Couples go to therapy?"
While some couples pursue therapy because they are in crisis or are considering divorce, couples therapy isn’t just for those on the brink. It is for anyone who feels like their relationship could use some extra support. The benefit of couple's therapy is that there is a non-biased third party who holds expertise in relationship strategies and tools. It can be an incredible resource for couples, which is why I encourage folks to go to couples therapy early on in their relationship. Research even shows that couples who attend premarital counseling are less likely to divorce!
Here are some common reasons couples reach out to begin couples therapy:
Feeling Disconnected: Whether it's emotionally, physically, or both, many couples feel distant from one another over time. The busyness of life can often get in the way, making it hard to reconnect.
Lack of Sex and Intimacy: This is especially common among parents. Life changes, including raising children, can lead to a decrease in intimacy. Couples often seek therapy to rebuild their sexual and emotional connection.
Issues with Communication: Conflict is inevitable in relationships, but poor communication can make it more difficult to resolve. Many couples come to therapy to work on improving their communication and managing their conflict.
Parenting Struggles: Couples often disagree on parenting or discipline styles. Or, they just need some support and expertise in navigating parenting challenges.
Difficulty with In-Laws & Other Relationships: Much of my work with couples revolves around navigating challenging relationships with in-laws or setting boundaries with others.
Larger Issues: Problems like infidelity or even contemplating divorce are difficult to navigate alone. Therapy can provide a safe space to address these heavy concerns.
"What Do Couples Work On in Therapy?"
In therapy, I tailor my treatment to meet the specific needs of my clients. We cover a wide range of topics, including:
Communication: Learning how to communicate effectively during both conflict and everyday conversation. And learning how to repair after conflict.
Division of Household Labor: Whether it's housework, childcare, or other responsibilities, balancing tasks can cause stress in relationships.
Finances: Money issues can create tension, so it’s important to have open, honest conversations about finances.
Sex and Intimacy: These are vital areas in any romantic relationship, and we work on rebuilding closeness in these areas.
Family: Navigating family dynamics, including in-laws, can be challenging. We address how to build a strong relationship while managing external pressures.
Trust: It is not uncommon for couples to need help regaining trust in their partner and the relationship.
Understanding the Fear Around Couples Therapy:
Therapy can feel intimidating, and most of my couples share hesitation about starting couples therapy. But in my experience, most people find that therapy is less scary once they actually begin the process. When couples come into my office, I strive to create a space where they feel safe, supported, and free of judgment. And I also make an effort to highlight the strengths and positive aspects of the relationship. After an initial session, I often hear things like, “I already feel a sense of relief.” "This wasn't so bad; you are easy to talk to." "Coming here has actually made me realize how strong our relationship is." The support and guidance you can gain from therapy can make a huge difference, even in just one session.
Why Do Some Therapists Avoid Working with Couples?
You might wonder why some Marriage and Family Therapists (MFTs) don’t offer or specialize in couples therapy. The truth is, working with couples has its challenges. It requires a higher level of engagement and energy from the therapist compared to individual therapy. Additionally, couples therapy often involves more logistics, such as longer sessions, more flexible scheduling, and the potential for higher drop-out rates (especially if couples wait too long to start therapy). This is also why some therapists may charge higher rates for couples counseling—it’s more time-consuming and demanding.
While couples therapy can be costly and time-consuming, it’s a great opportunity to improve your relationship. I like to look at it as an investment in a healthy relationship.It can be a rewarding experience that helps you reconnect with your partner, communicate better, and work through challenges together.
"How do we get started?"
Search on Google or Psychology Today. Look for a couples therapist in your area. I recommend a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist or a therapist with specialized, formal training in couples work and relationships. Consult with your spouse or partner about the therapists who you think would be a good fit.
Contact the therapist and see if the therapist is taking on new clients and schedule an initial phone consult (this will allow you to assess fit/connection and ask questions).
Schedule a Session and give couples therapy a try!
Couples Assessment
When couples begin therapy in my practice, I often have each partner complete an assessment. The assessment includes the topics and issues that often bring couples into therapy. I have each partner score the topic on a scale from 0 (not an issue) to 10 (severe problem). Any area rated above a 5 is usually a focus of couples therapy. Click below for a link to my assessment.
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