Infidelity in Relationships

by Dr. Jenna Scott, LMFT

Infidelity in Relationships: Understanding, Prevention, and Moving Forward

Infidelity is one of the most challenging topics to discuss within relationships, but it’s also one of the most important to address. Whether you’re dealing with infidelity or simply wanting to safeguard your relationship, understanding the complexities around cheating is crucial. In this blog post, I discuss what constitutes infidelity, why it happens, and how couples can strengthen their relationship to prevent it from happening.

What is Infidelity? Defining Cheating in Your Relationship

When we think of cheating, many of us picture a physical affair. But infidelity can look different for every couple. So what exactly counts as cheating?

This will depend on your specific relationship. It’s essential to have open conversations with your partner about what infidelity means to both of you. Cheating can take various forms, from physical betrayal to emotional disconnection and cyber cheating.

Here are a few examples of behaviors that can be considered cheating in a relationship:

• Physical Infidelity: This is the classic form of cheating, where one partner engages in sexual activity with someone outside of the relationship.

• Emotional Affairs: Sometimes, the betrayal isn’t physical but emotional. An emotional affair occurs when one partner forms an intimate bond with someone outside the relationship, sharing personal feelings and experiences in a way that would typically be reserved for their partner.

• Cyber Cheating: With the rise of social media, “cyber cheating” has become more common. Messaging, flirting, or Snapchatting someone else can lead to emotional betrayal, even without a physical encounter.

• Pornography: Some people may consider regular consumption of pornography as a form of betrayal, especially if it leads to secrecy or is used as a substitute for real intimacy in the relationship.

• Open Marriages or "Hall Passes": In some relationships, couples may have agreed to non-monogamy, but for others, these arrangements can blur boundaries and lead to confusion or hurt feelings.

  
  

It's important to recognize that every couple defines what constitutes cheating differently. For some, flirtation might cross the line, while for others, only physical affairs may feel like betrayal. The key is to be transparent about what behaviors are acceptable in your relationship and to check in regularly to ensure you’re both on the same page.

Why Do People Cheat? Understanding the Root Causes

Working with couples who have experienced infidelity has helped me understand that cheating is rarely about a single cause or mistake. There are a variety of factors that contribute to why someone might cheat. Some of the most common reasons I’ve seen in my clinical work with couples:

1. Wanting to End the Relationship: For some people, cheating is a way to emotionally distance themselves from their partner without having to face the difficulties of ending the relationship outright. This can be especially true if someone is unsure about how to leave but feels disconnected or unhappy in their marriage.

2. Marriage Dysfunction: Infidelity often occurs when something important is missing in the relationship, such as attention, intimacy, or sex. When one partner feels neglected or dissatisfied, they may look outside the relationship for fulfillment.

3. Attachment Disorders: Individuals who struggle with attachment issues—whether due to past trauma or insecure attachment patterns—may find it difficult to maintain stable, trusting relationships. These individuals might be more prone to cheating because of their fears or inability to connect deeply with one person.

4. Sexual Addictions: Some people may cheat due to a compulsive need for sexual release, regardless of their emotional connection to their partner. Sexual addiction can lead to reckless behavior and betrayals that damage relationships.

5. Family of Origin Patterns: If a person grew up in an environment where infidelity was normalized or witnessed it happening in their family, they might carry this behavior into their own relationships.

6. Affirmation and Self-Esteem: Sometimes, people cheat because they are seeking validation or affirmation outside their primary relationship. If someone feels undervalued or unappreciated at home, they may turn to another person for the attention and recognition they crave.

7. Curiosity and Self-Discovery: Long-term relationships, especially those where one partner has only been with the other, can sometimes lead to curiosity about what it might be like to explore other connections. This desire for novelty or excitement can lead to cheating, especially if they feel unfulfilled in the current relationship.

   
   

Can Happy Couples Experience Infidelity?

It’s a common misconception that only unhappy couples cheat. In reality, happy couples can experience infidelity too. Sometimes, even in loving relationships, one partner may feel emotionally or physically neglected, which opens the door for temptation. Infidelity doesn’t always stem from a lack of love or respect; it can also be the result of unaddressed emotional needs or a breakdown in communication.

Being happy in your relationship doesn’t guarantee immunity to infidelity. But discussing your needs, desires, and frustrations can help prevent feelings of isolation or dissatisfaction that may lead to cheating.

The Aftermath of an Affair: Why It's Hard to Let Go

Ending an affair is rarely as simple as just deciding to stop. In fact, many people who have had an affair struggle to end it, even if they want to. The emotional connections they’ve formed with the affair partner can be hard to break, and in some cases, the affair may serve as an escape from the pain or dissatisfaction in the primary relationship.

This is why it’s so important for individuals to seek help after an affair. Therapy can help someone work through their emotions, understand what led to the betrayal, and learn how to rebuild trust in their primary relationship.

Do Affairs Ever Lead to Long-Term Happiness?

Many people wonder whether ending their marriage for the affair partner will lead to a happier life. Unfortunately, the research suggests that the odds of a successful outcome are quite low. Dr. Kathy Nickerson's research, for example, shows that only 5-7% of affair relationships lead to marriage, and of those, around 75% end in divorce. Affairs often don’t offer the solution to dissatisfaction in a relationship—they tend to be a temporary escape that doesn’t address the deeper issues within the primary relationship.

How to Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity

While infidelity can be devastating, it’s possible to prevent it by being proactive about your relationship. Here are a few steps to safeguard your bond:

1. Talk About What Constitutes Infidelity: Every couple has different boundaries. Have open conversations with your partner about what behaviors are off-limits and what might be considered cheating. This helps prevent misunderstandings and sets clear expectations.

2. Normalize Feelings of Attraction: It’s natural to find other people attractive from time to time. What’s important is how you handle those feelings and safeguard your relationship.

3. Check in on Relationship Satisfaction: Regularly talk about your emotional, sexual, and romantic satisfaction. If one partner feels neglected or unappreciated, it can lead to resentment and a desire to seek fulfillment elsewhere. Make time for intimacy and connection to keep your relationship strong.

   
   

Final Thoughts on Infidelity

Infidelity is a complex and painful issue, but it’s one that can be addressed with the right tools, communication, and support. It’s important to remember that cheating is rarely a one-time mistake; it’s often a sign of deeper issues that need attention. Couples who are willing to work through the pain and rebuild trust can recover from infidelity and come out stronger on the other side.

If you’re struggling with infidelity in your relationship or just want to ensure you’re taking steps to protect your connection, we encourage you to reach out for support. Therapy can be a valuable resource to help you navigate these challenges and strengthen your bond.

For more insights, tips, and discussions on relationships, listen to The Coupled Podcast with Dr. Jenna Scot and her colleague, Dr. Nari Jeter.