When Sex & Intimacy Fade: How to Reconnect With Your Spouse

by Dr. Jenna Scott, LMFT

One trend that I've noticed in my therapy practice, whether working with couples or individual clients, is the issue of infrequent sex. If you are in this situation, you’re certainly not alone. Many couples struggle with this, and it’s a nuanced topic that comes with a range of emotions, struggles, and complexities.

First, I want to approach this subject from a place of understanding and non-judgment, because relationships, especially long-term ones, are complex. The reality is that passion waxes and wanes in relationships. A lack of sex and physical connection is only an issue if you or your spouse believe that it's an issue. The reasons behind infrequent or absent sex are different for every couple. Below, I aim to explore some of these complexities and help you reflect on your relationship.

Defining What Works for You

First and foremost, it's important to recognize that there is no one-size-fits-all solution when it comes to sexual frequency. I am not in the business of telling couples how often they should have sex. Frequency is deeply personal and varies from one relationship to another. For some couples, having sex once every two weeks works just fine. I've had other couples share that they expect sex every day. Research by the Gottmans found that men ideally want to have sex 4-5 times a week, whereas women prefer 1-2 times. When it comes to sex and physical intimacy, most folks will agree that quality is more important than quantity. What matters most is tuning out what other couples are doing and finding what works for you and your partner.

What Contributes to a lack of sex in a marriage?

There are many factors that can contribute to a decrease in sexual intimacy in a relationship. Here are a few that I see in my work with couples:

1. Lack of Intimacy: When intimacy and connection start to fade, sex may naturally follow. This can create a cycle of emotional disconnect, where one or both partners feel less interested in sex because they feel emotionally disconnected from each other. We know, from research, that women need to feel emotionally connected to have sex with their spouse. Men, on the other hand, tend to use sex to feel emotionally connected.

2. Resentment and Unmet Needs: Unresolved issues and unmet needs in a relationship can bring about feelings of resentment. These issues may bubble under the surface and manifest as irritability, withdrawal or avoidance.

3. Infidelity and Trust Issues: After infidelity, rebuilding intimacy and sexual connection can be difficult. One partner may feel emotionally unsafe, making it hard to reconnect sexually.

4. Lack of Fun, Play & Novelty: Longterm relationships can sometimes feel stagnant. When couples are juggling demanding careers, raising children, and managing a household, they can forget to have fun together. Lack of play, adventure and novelty can contribute to a lack of connection.

   
   

Which Comes First: Intimacy or Sex?

For many women, intimacy comes first. Emotional connection and closeness lead to a desire for physical connection. For many men, sex is the key to feeling close. What’s most important here is open communication with your partner about what you both need to feel connected. Is it emotional closeness, physical affection, or both?

Pre-requisites for Sex:

Research suggests that women have more pre-requisites for sex than men do. And as the Gottman's explain, women's pre-requisites aren't always about emotional closeness. Sometimes they are about feeling exhausted, distracted, or self-conscious about their bodies.

The Impact of Busyness and Life’s Demands:

Life can get busy, especially when careers, kids, and other responsibilities take priority. This can lead to irregular sex or the excuse of, “let's shoot for tomorrow.” With travel for work, family obligations, or just the exhaustion of day-to-day life, it’s easy to push physical intimacy to the back burner.

Kids, in particular, can have a significant impact on a couple’s sex life. Parenting is demanding, and many couples find their desire for sex decreases once children are in the picture. While children bring joy and meaning to life, they can also drain the energy and time that many couples once dedicated to each other. Many moms in my practice often lament that they are "touched out" by the end of the day. The key here is making sex a priority, even when life gets busy. Scheduling time for physical intimacy and emotional connection can help maintain that spark.

5 Tips for Rebuilding Intimacy and Connection

If you’re experiencing infrequent sex in your relationship, there are some ways to address this challenge with empathy and understanding:

1. Communicate Openly: It’s crucial to have honest, nonjudgmental conversations about your needs and desires. Some people would rather leave a relationship or find an affair partner than have these uncomfortable conversations. But being open with your partner about what you need can foster intimacy and help you both work together to overcome challenges.

2. Address Underlying Issues: Sometimes, sexless marriages are a symptom of deeper emotional or relational issues. Work together to address the things that might be causing resentment, hurt, or disconnection. This could involve couples therapy or simply making time for open and honest conversations.

3. Prioritize Sex & Physical Connection: As life gets busier, intimacy can often fall to the wayside. Set aside time for each other. This can include date nights, physical affection, or talking without distractions. Intimacy doesn’t always have to be about sex; sometimes it’s about connecting emotionally.

4. Communicate Positively about sex: I've learned that rejection is painful for a lot of folks, especially when someone is initiating physical intimacy and sex. Try to focus on telling your partner what you do like and what ignites your desire rather than focusing on what you don't like.

5. Seek Professional Help: If you find that talking about sex or intimacy is difficult, it might help to seek guidance from a therapist. A therapist can provide strategies for improving communication, addressing desire discrepancies, and working through any relational challenges that are impacting your sex life.

   
   

The key is to understand why the srea of physical intimacy is strained in your relationship and work together with your partner to address the underlying issues. Most importantly, keep the lines of communication open, and remember that intimacy, whether physical or emotional, is something you can work on together.

Dr. Jenna Scott, LMFT is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in Tallahassee, Florida, who specializes in working with mothers, parents, couples, and families. She holds a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from Northwestern University in Chicago and a PhD in Marriage and Family Therapy from Florida State University. With more than 17 years of experience, Dr. Scott helps clients navigate parenting, relationships, communication, life transitions and family challenges. She offers in-person therapy in Tallahassee and telehealth therapy throughout Florida.