When Work and Family Compete for Your Attention
Updated: Sep 8
by Dr. Jenna Scott, LMFT
The topic of juggling work and family is near and dear to my heart. I've spent much of my career supporting parents and young children in my practice as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. And now that I am a working mother of three young children, I also grapple with the struggles of managing work and family life.
Managing work and family is something that every parent struggles with at some point. It’s become increasingly common for both parents to be employed outside of the home. This shift is largely driven by the financial realities that many families face. Whether it’s managing housework, kids' appointments and activities, or work commitments, family needs often seem endless. While this is a common issue for couples with school-aged children, even pre-marital couples in my practice discuss how employment impacts their relationship.
Role Conflict
One major issue that many working parents face is role conflict, or work/family conflict, a term commonly used in family therapy. This occurs when meeting the demands of one part of life (employment) conflicts with the competing demands of another (family). For example, your child’s speech therapy appointment conflicts with a work meeting. Parents often feel this constant tug-of-war between work and family life. I often hear from clients that when they’re with their kids, they feel like they still need to be plugged into work. And when they’re at work, they feel guilty about what they are missing at home. It’s a never-ending cycle of feeling pulled in two opposing directions. In this day and age parents are expected to work like they don't have kids and parent like they don't have a job.
Spillover: The Impact of Work Stress on Family Life
When work stress spills over into family life, it can have negative consequences. This phenomenon is known as spillover, where stress from work bleeds into your interactions at home. It might show up as irritability or a lack of patience with family members. Just because I'm a therapist, doesn't mean I am exempt from these dynamics. Several years ago, I made the difficult decision to leave my full-time faculty position from Florida State University because I found that stress from work was spilling over into my family life. There was one particular night when I was giving my daughter a bath and had a scowl on my face because I was thinking about a distressing work situation. My daughter commented, “Mommy, what are you thinking about? Why are you so mad?” I wasn't mad at my daughter; my work stress was bleeding into quality time with my family.
The Motherhood Penalty: How Parenting Affects Women’s Careers
The motherhood penalty is another harsh reality for many working mothers. Studies show that women often experience a significant, negative impact on their income due to their role as primary caregivers. Women tend to limit their participation in the workforce to care for children or other family members, and often do so because they’re paid less than their male counterparts. For example, in 2023, women earned 84% of male workers (Bureau of Labor Statistics). When I decided to leave my academic career in 2022 to better serve my family's growing needs, I gave up a salary and benefits. While this decision felt necessary for my family because it provided more flexibility, the choice had real financial consequences.
Unpaid Family Work
Unpaid Family Work, the care for dependent family members, also tends to disproportionately impact women. Stay-at-home parents, particularly stay-at-home moms, are often undervalued and under-appreciated. There is a societal tendency to not recognize the work involved in caring for children, maintaining a home, and supporting the family.
In many households, after finishing a full day of work, employed parents take on a second shift of unpaid work. Whether it’s cleaning the house, doing the dishes, preparing meals, or taking care of laundry, it’s a heavy load. Many parents forfeit leisure time and sleep to tackle these household tasks. I can certainly relate to this experience! After a full day of seeing clients in private practice, I pick up my kids from school, cook dinner, clean, prepare for the next school day and go through the phases of nighttime routine with my kids (bath, pajamas, brush teeth, read). There is very little time to relax and decompress.
The Mental Load: The Invisible Burden
Another key issue is the mental load, which refers to the constant, often invisible, mental strain parents experience in trying to keep everything in their lives organized. It’s that low-level anxiety that hums in the background of our daily lives. For instance, you might find yourself thinking, “We’re almost out of milk. What am I going to make for dinner? Did I run the dishwasher? Did I RSVP to that birthday party?” This constant mental load can be exhausting and is often overlooked. And in heterosexual relationships, it's a role that women tend to take on. As one of my friends who is a working mom recently commented, "my husband wouldn't last an hour in my brain."
Common Complaints about Work Conflicts in Relationships
In my therapy practice, there are common issues that couples experience regarding work and roles. Here are a few that I hear from couples in therapy:
The spouse who is always working: One spouse may feel like the other is prioritizing work over family time, leading to feelings of neglect or resentment.
The spouse who has to travel for work: Frequent travel can double the workload for the parent who stays behind, leading to burnout and frustration.
The spouse who has poor work boundaries: Taking work calls, checking emails, and being on the phone during family time can create tension between partners.
The spouse with busy seasons of work: Whether it’s tax season or legislative session, some spouses have seasons that are much more demanding than others.
The isolated worker vs. the social worker: When one spouse works from home and is isolated from interaction, and the other has a job that requires social interaction, it can create differing needs at the end of the day.
8 Tips for Juggling Work & Family Life
If you and your spouse are struggling, here are some tips to help you navigate the demands of work and family life:
Set healthy work boundaries: It’s important to carve out uninterrupted time for family. Make sure you discuss and practice healthy boundaries (e.g., putting all screens away at dinner time).
Put it on the calendar! Use a family or shared calendar to keep track of work events, meetings, and family activities.
Be transparent about work needs: Let your partner know in advance if you need to take a call or work during family time.
Get support: Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Whether it’s hiring a sitter or cleaning service, getting family help, or ordering takeout for dinner, support can make a big difference.
Prioritize your relationship: Make sure that when work isn’t as busy, you schedule regular date nights or moments to re-connect with your partner.
Validate your partner’s feelings: Acknowledge how your partner feels about the time you spend at work. Saying something like, “I understand you feel neglected when I work long hours. Let’s work together to find a solution."
Express gratitude and appreciation for all that your spouse does, inside and outside of the home. It's important that whoever is doing childcare, household work, and work outside of the home is acknowledged and feels appreciated.
Communicate Openly. I created worksheets (see below) for my clients that help facilitate conversations about the division of household labor, the mental load, and childcare. I encourage couples in my therapy practice to fill them out separately and then have an open and honest discussion about who is doing what in the relationship.
Final Thoughts
Juggling work and family life isn’t easy, but with open communication, support, and boundaries, it is possible to create a healthier and more fulfilling dynamic for everyone involved. If this is a topic that you'd like to address in therapy, don't hesitate to reach out. I offer in-person and telehealth therapy to Florida residents.
You can email me: jenna@drjennascott.com
Dr. Jenna Scott, LMFT is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in Tallahassee, Florida, who specializes in working with mothers, parents, couples, and families. She holds a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from Northwestern University in Chicago and a PhD in Marriage and Family Therapy from Florida State University. With more than 17 years of experience, Dr. Scott helps clients navigate parenting, relationships, communication, life transitions and family challenges. She offers in-person therapy in Tallahassee and telehealth therapy throughout Florida.
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