Work & Family: The Impossible Balance

by Dr. Jenna Scott, LMFT

The topic of juggling work and family is near and dear to my heart. I've spent much of my career supporting parents and young children in my practice as a Marriage and Family Therapist. And now that I am a working mother of three young children, I, too, grapple with the struggles of managing work and family life.

The juggling act of managing work and family is something that nearly every couple struggles with at some point in the relationship. It’s become increasingly common for both parents to be employed outside of the home. This shift is largely driven by the financial realities that many families face. Whether it’s managing housework, kids' appointments and activities, or work commitments, family needs often seem endless. While this is a common issue for couples with school-aged children, even pre-marital couples in my practice discuss how work impacts their relationship. In today's blog post, we will explore how work impacts relationships and the challenges that come with trying to balance the demands of family life.

The Struggle: Role Conflict

One major issue many working parents face is role conflict, or work/family conflict—a term commonly used in family therapy. This occurs when meeting the demands of one part of life (work) conflicts with the competing demands of another (family). For example, your child’s speech therapy appointment conflicts with an important work meeting. Parents often feel a constant tug-of-war between work and family. I often hear from clients that when they’re with their kids, they feel like they need to be working. And when they’re at work, they feel guilt about not being with their kids. It’s a never-ending cycle of feeling pulled in two opposing directions.

Spillover: The Impact of Work Stress on Family Life

When work stress spills over into family life, it can have consequences. This phenomenon is known as spillover, where stress from work bleeds into your interactions at home. It might show up as irritability or a lack of patience with family members. Three years ago, I made the difficult decision to leave academia because I found that stress from work was spilling over into my family life. There was one particular night when I was giving my daughter a bath and had a scowl on my face because I was thinking about a distressing work situation. My daughter commented, “Mommy, what are you thinking about? Why are you so mad?” My work stress was leaking into quality time with my daughter and this was happening too frequently.

The Motherhood Penalty: How It Affects Women’s Careers

The motherhood penalty is another harsh reality for many working mothers. Studies show that women often experience a significant, negative impact on their income due to their role as primary caregivers. Women tend to limit their participation in the workforce to care for children or other family members, and often do so because they’re paid less than their male counterparts. For example, in 2023, women earned 84% of male workers (Bureau of Labor Statistics). When I decided to leave my academic career in 2022 to better serve my family's growing needs, I gave up a salary and benefits. While this decision felt necessary for my family because it provided more flexibility, it had financial consequences.

Unpaid Family Work

Unpaid Family Work—the care for dependent family members—also falls disproportionately on women. Stay-at-home parents, particularly stay-at-home moms, are often undervalued and underappreciated. There is a societal tendency to not recognize the work involved in caring for children, maintaining a home, and supporting the family.

In many households, after finishing a full day of work, employed parents take on a “second shift” of unpaid work. Whether it’s cleaning the house, doing the dishes, preparing meals, or taking care of laundry, it’s a heavy load. Many parents forfeit leisure time and sleep to tackle these household tasks. I can certainly relate to this experience! After a full day of seeing clients in private practice, I pick up my kids from school and then cook dinner, clean, and care for my kids.

The Mental Load: The Invisible Burden

Another key issue is the mental load, which refers to the constant, often invisible, mental strain parents experience in trying to keep everything in their lives organized. It’s that low-level anxiety that hums in the background of our daily lives. For instance, you might find yourself thinking, “We’re almost out of milk. What am I going to make for dinner? Did I run the dishwasher? Are there enough diapers and wipes in the diaper bag?” And then, of course, there’s the forgotten school event—“I can’t believe it’s pirate day at school tomorrow!” This constant mental load can be exhausting and is often overlooked as an important role. And in heterosexual relationships, it's often a role that the women are taking on.

Common Complaints about Work Conflicts in Relationships

In my therapy practice, there are common issues that couples experience. Here are a few that I hear from couples in therapy:

The spouse who is always working: One spouse may feel like the other is prioritizing work over family time, leading to feelings of neglect or resentment.
The spouse who has to travel for work: Frequent travel can double the workload for the parent who stays behind, leading to burnout and frustration.
The spouse who has poor work boundaries: Taking work calls, checking emails, and being on the phone during family time can create tension between partners.
The spouse with busy seasons of work: Whether it’s tax season or legislative session, some spouses have seasons that are much more demanding than others.
The isolated worker vs. the social worker: When one spouse works from home and is isolated from interaction, and the other has a job that requires social interaction, it can create differing needs at the end of the day.

Tips for Juggling Work & Family

If you and your spouse are struggling, here are some tips to help you navigate the demands of work and family life:

Set healthy boundaries around work: It’s important to carve out time for family without letting work take over.
Communicate openly: Use a family calendar to keep track of work events, meetings, and family activities.
Be transparent about work needs: Let your partner know in advance if you need to take a call or work during family time.
Get support: Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Whether it’s hiring a sitter, getting family help, or ordering takeout for dinner, support can make a big difference.
Prioritize your relationship: Make sure that when work isn’t as busy, you schedule regular date nights or moments to re-connect with your partner.
Validate your partner’s feelings: Acknowledge how your partner feels about the time you spend at work. Saying something like, “I understand you feel neglected when I work long hours. Let’s work together to find a solution."

Juggling work and family isn’t easy, but with open communication, support, and boundaries, it is possible to create a healthier and more fulfilling dynamic for everyone involved.

If this it a topic that you would like to explore in more depth, tune into The Coupled Podcast, season 1, episode 11 & 12. Dr. Nari Jeter and I have a 2-part discussion on this topic: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-coupled-podcast/id1757251639

Dr. Jenna Scott is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice. Dr. Scott specializes in relationships with a focus on couples, parenting, mindfulness, and life transitions. She hopes to de-stigmatize couples therapy and empower couples with tools to strengthen their relationships. She is co-host of The Coupled Podcast and offers online relationship courses. You can learn more about her practice and resources at drjennascott.com (Instagram @drjennascott).