How Parenting Changes Your Marriage: 5 Ways to Stay Connected as a Couple
Updated: Sep 2
by Dr. Jenna Scott, LMFT
Parenting and Marital Satisfaction
Parenting is one of the most rewarding, and challenging, experiences a couple can go through. What happens to the marital relationship when couples navigate the ups and downs of raising children together? Many of the couples I work with in therapy have a hard time staying connected while in the throes of parenting. Below, I discuss how parenting affects marital satisfaction and offer some strategies to keep the spark alive as a couple.
The U-Shaped Curve of Marital Satisfaction
One of the trends I see in couples is what Ernest Burgess called the U-Shaped Curve of marital satisfaction. This refers to the pattern where marital happiness tends to be high during the early years of marriage, takes a noticeable dip when children enter the picture, and then tends to rise again when the kids leave the "nest."
When couples are first married, they experience a lot of emotional intimacy and connection. They have a lot of time together, go on dates, travel frequently, and often share hobbies and interests. But once kids arrive, the dynamics of the relationship often change. Parenting takes a toll on your time, energy, and even your connection with each other. As a result, many couples experience a decline in marital satisfaction during the early years of raising children. Interestingly, about one third of couples are exempt from this dip in marital happiness. The Gottmans found that men who respect their wives and accept their wives influence and opinions are less likely to experience a decline in marital satisfaction!
If you are in a marriage that has experienced a decline, it’s important to remember that this dip doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. I remind couples that it is simply part of the life course. Parenthood is a major life transition, and it’s normal for relationships to go through tough phases. As your kids grow older and become more independent, marital satisfaction often improves again.
How Parenting Changes Relationships
Let’s take a moment to acknowledge how challenging it can be to juggle all the roles you play within a partnership. Being married to someone, running a household together, and co-parenting can feel like managing a small business. The conversations and text messages that once revolved around plans for dates or future vacations can quickly turn into logistics about daily responsibilities: "We’re running low on milk" or "Can you pick up the kids from school?"
This is not to say that parenthood doesn’t have its rewards, but the shift in focus and energy can sometimes feel like the antithesis of romance. The transition from being a couple to becoming co-parents is a massive shift. It’s also worth noting that gender roles in the household can become more divided after children arrive, with many couples falling into traditional gendered parenting patterns, whether consciously or unconsciously. And this can bring about increased conflict and tension.
The Changing Expectations of Partners
The expectations we place on our partners have changed drastically over the years. In past generations, the main criteria for a partner might have been financial stability and the ability to procreate. However, today’s couples often have much broader expectations. We want our partners to be not only emotionally available and supportive but also career-driven, attractive, and an amazing co-parent. Balancing all of these roles and needs while maintaining a healthy marriage can feel like an insurmountable task.
On top of that, each person’s family of origin and upbringing come into play when parenting. If you and your partner had different childhood experiences or were raised with contrasting parenting styles, it can create tension in how you raise your own kids.
5 Tips for Strengthening Your Relationship while Parenting
Parenting and marriage can be incredibly challenging, so here are some tips that I use with couples in therapy to build resilience, improve communication, and keep the connection alive:
1. Resilient Couples Know How to Bounce Back:
Raising children together is tough, and it’s easy to get overwhelmed. But resilient couples know how to acknowledge that they are in a hard phase of life, and they assure one another that they will get through it together. By maintaining a positive outlook and practicing commitment, you can work together through tough times and come out stronger on the other side.
2. Communicate about Parenting:
Parenting styles are often a source of conflict for many couples. One partner might lean toward being more authoritarian, while the other may be more permissive. Ideally, both parents should aim to adopt an authoritative parenting style, which balances warmth and discipline. But getting there requires lots of communication and willingness to compromise. Be open to discussing how you were parented, and consider revisiting and adjusting your parenting practices together.
3. Prioritize Intimacy & Sex:
When you’re managing kids, careers, and everything else, prioritizing sex and intimacy can be tough. I totally get it! But if you don’t prioritize it, it’s easy for that part of your relationship to slip away. We know that couples who have a great sex life have two things in common: 1. A shared friendship and 2. They make sex a priority. I often encourage parents of young children to be more open-minded and consider scheduling sex. It may not sound enticing at first, but sometimes marking it on the calendar is exactly what you need to remind yourself to prioritize intimacy. For some couples, setting aside time for physical intimacy can help keep the spark alive. And many report back that they appreciated the anticipation involved!
4. Acknowledge the Phase You’re In:
Every phase of parenting comes with a unique set of challenges. If you have young children, you might not get much alone time with your partner. But it’s important to acknowledge the phase you're in and make an effort to carve out time together when you can. Try to be kind to yourself and your partner during this stage. For parents with very young kids, a day date can be a great alternative to a traditional evening out.
5.Continue to have fun together. When couples are juggling employment, housework, and parenting, marriage can start to look more like a business relationship. That is why it is so important that you prioritize dates and fun. If you have young children, maybe you are simply spending 15 minutes of quality time together after your kids go to bed or scheduling a lunch date. If the kids are older and you can hire a sitter, I encourage you to plan some fun dates. Novelty in relationships can be a great way to re-connect and bring back the butterflies from the early dating years. Below is a link to a list of couples activities. I share this list with couples in therapy to give them some fresh ideas:
Final Thoughts:
Parenting and marriage are two aspects of life that require attention, effort, and patience. As parents, it’s important to acknowledge the challenges that come with raising kids while also maintaining a healthy relationship with your partner. By communicating openly, prioritizing intimacy, and making time for one another, you can navigate the complexities of parenthood while continuing to nurture your bond.
Remember, it’s okay if your marriage goes through ups and downs during the parenting years. It is a demanding phase of life and it is normal to experiences dips in connection and intimacy. The key is to stay resilient, be compassionate with each other, and recognize that these challenging phases are just part of your journey together.
If you are looking for additional support, couples therapy is a great way to prioritize the marriage and work with someone who can help you reconnect and build a more fulfilling marriage. Please reach out if you are searching for an in-person Couples Therapist in Tallahassee or online Couples Therapy in Florida.
Email: jenna@drjennascott.com
Dr. Jenna Scott, LMFT is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in Tallahassee, Florida, who specializes in working with mothers, parents, couples, and families. She holds a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from Northwestern University in Chicago and a PhD in Marriage and Family Therapy from Florida State University. With more than 17 years of experience, Dr. Scott helps clients navigate parenting, relationships, communication, life transitions, stress, and family challenges. She offers in-person therapy in Tallahassee and telehealth therapy throughout Florida.
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