Parenting and Marital Satisfaction

by Dr. Jenna Scott, LMFT

Parenting and Marital Satisfaction

Parenting is one of the most rewarding—and challenging—experiences a couple can go through. But what happens to the relationship itself as you navigate the ups and downs of raising children together? Based on the literature and my work with couples in therapy, I discuss how parenting affects marital satisfaction and offer some strategies to keep the spark alive as a couple while co-parenting.

The U-Shaped Curve of Marital Satisfaction

One of the trends we see in couples is what’s called the U-Shaped Curve of marital satisfaction. This refers to the pattern where marital happiness tends to be high during the early years of marriage, takes a noticeable dip when children enter the picture, and then tends to rise again when the kids leave the "nest."

When couples are first married, they experience a lot of emotional intimacy and connection. But once kids arrive, the dynamics of the relationship often change. Parenting takes a toll on your time, energy, and even your connection with each other. As a result, many couples experience a decline in marital satisfaction during the early years of raising children.

It’s important to remember: this dip doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed—it’s simply part of the process. Parenthood is a major life transition, and it’s normal for relationships to go through tough phases. But as your kids grow older and become more independent, marital satisfaction often improves again.

How Parenting Changes Relationships

Let’s take a moment to acknowledge how challenging it can be to juggle all the roles you play within a partnership. Being married to someone, running a household together, and co-parenting can feel like managing a small business. The conversations and text messages that once revolved around plans for dates or future vacations can quickly turn into logistics about daily responsibilities: "We’re running low on milk" or "Can you pick up the kids from school?"

This is not to say that parenthood doesn’t have its rewards, but the shift in focus and energy can sometimes feel like the antithesis of romance. The transition from being a couple to becoming co-parents is a massive shift in dynamic. It’s also worth noting that gender roles in the household can become more divided after children arrive, with many couples falling into traditional gendered parenting patterns, whether consciously or unconsciously. And this can bring about increased conflict.

The Changing Expectations of Partners

The expectations we place on our partners have changed drastically over the years. In past generations, the main criteria for a partner might have been financial stability and the ability to procreate. However, today’s couples often have much broader expectations. We want our partners to be not only emotionally available and supportive but also career-driven, attractive, and an amazing co-parent. Balancing all of these roles and needs—while maintaining a healthy marriage—can feel like an insurmountable task.

On top of that, each person’s family of origin and upbringing come into play when parenting. If you and your partner had different childhood experiences or were raised with contrasting parenting styles, it can create tension in how you raise your own kids.

Tips for Strengthening Your Relationship While Parenting

Parenting and marriage can be incredibly challenging, so here are some tips to help couples build resilience, improve communication, and keep the connection alive:

1. Resilient Couples Know How to Bounce Back:

Raising children together is tough, and it’s easy to get overwhelmed. But resilient couples know how to acknowledge that this is a hard phase of life, and they make space for the possibility of things improving. Challenges don’t mean the end of the relationship—they’re just part of the journey. By maintaining a positive outlook and practicing commitment, you can work together through tough times and come out stronger on the other side.

2. Communicate About Parenting:

Parenting styles are often a source of conflict for many couples. One partner might lean toward being more authoritarian, while the other may be more permissive. Ideally, both parents should aim to adopt an authoritative parenting style, which balances warmth and discipline. But getting there requires lots of communication and willingness to compromise. Be open to discussing how you were parented, and consider revisiting and adjusting your parenting practices together.

3. Schedule Sex:

I get it—when you’re managing kids, careers, and everything else, prioritizing sex and intimacy can be tough. But if you don’t prioritize it, it’s easy for that part of your relationship to slip away. Don’t be afraid to schedule sex. It may not sound sexy at first, but sometimes marking it on the calendar is exactly what you need to remind yourself to prioritize intimacy. For some couples, setting aside a specific day for intimacy can help keep the spark alive.

4. Acknowledge the Phase You’re In:

Every phase of parenting comes with its unique set of challenges. If you have young children, you might not get much alone time with your partner. But it’s important to acknowledge the phase you're in and make an effort to carve out time together when you can. Try to be kind to yourself and your partner during this stage. For parents with very young kids, a day date can be a great alternative to a traditional evening out.

Conclusion: Parenting and Marital Satisfaction Go Hand in Hand

Parenting and marriage are two aspects of life that require attention, effort, and patience. As parents, it’s important to acknowledge the challenges that come with raising kids while also maintaining a healthy relationship with your partner. By communicating openly, prioritizing intimacy, and making time for one another, you can navigate the complexities of parenthood while continuing to nurture your bond.

Remember, it’s okay if your marriage goes through ups and downs during the parenting years. The key is to stay resilient, be compassionate with each other, and recognize that these challenging phases are just part of your journey together.

Here to Help!

For more relationship tips and advice, check out The Coupled Podcast with Dr. Jenna and Dr. Nari. Together, we discuss topics like parenting and communication. If you’re feeling overwhelmed or need help navigating the intersection of parenting and marital satisfaction, consider booking a couples therapy session or intensive with Dr. Jenna Scott.