Ethical Non-Monogamy: An Interview with Dr. Ethan Schwab

A Florida-based couples therapist interviews a Washington-based couples therapist on polyamory and open relationships…

Dr. Ethan Schwab, ASEC Certified Sex Therapist and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT)

In a world where relationships are constantly evolving, ethical non-monogamy has emerged as a topic worthy of deeper exploration. It’s a subject that more couples are addressing in my therapy office in Tallahassee, Florida. Dr. Ethan Schwab, a certified sex and couples therapist, specializes in the treatment of non-monogamous romantic relationships and atypical sexuality. I interviewed my friend and colleague to discuss open relationships, polyamory, and the various forms of non-traditional relationship structures that are becoming increasingly common in today's society.

Dr. Schwab has spent the last 15 years working primarily with individuals and couples in non-traditional relationship structures. He has witnessed firsthand how these relationship models have gradually shifted toward becoming more normalized, particularly on the West Coast.

During the interview, Dr. Schwab broke down the umbrella of terms that fall under ethical or consensual non-monogamy, which he defines as “some negotiated open relationship.” He goes on to explain that open relationships involve one primary romantic relationship where consensual boundaries for additional connections are negotiated between partners. Polyamory, another form of non-monogamy, in its simplest form means “loving multiple people.” People in these relationships have multiple romantic partners, and the relationships can take different forms. One common type is solo polyamory, where there isn’t a primary partner. Another common form is hierarchical polyamory, where someone has a primary or anchor partner and also date additional partners. 

One of the most striking observations Dr. Schwab shared in our interview was how young people today are increasingly open to dating different types of people and exploring alternative relationship models. This shift isn't happening in a vacuum; it's being facilitated by greater visibility in media, more open conversations among friends, and a growing recognition that traditional monogamy might not be the best fit for everyone. As Dr. Schwab noted, there's a growing awareness that "one person can't be everything.”

For couples considering opening their relationship or exploring polyamory, Dr. Schwab emphasized the critical importance of clear communication, transparency, and consent. He warned against making assumptions—which he colorfully described as "the mother of all f-ups"—and encouraged couples to slow down their decision-making process. Rather than jumping into new relationship structures without preparation, he advised seeking professional guidance to help navigate these complex waters.

Practical considerations are paramount when venturing into ethical non-monogamy. Dr. Schwab highlighted several key questions couples should address, such as: 

1. How do we handle safer sex practices and STI prevention?

2. How do we manage time commitments between multiple partners? 

3. For parents especially, how can we balance family responsibilities and desire to explore these relationship structures? 

Dr. Schwab went on to explain that these questions don't have one-size-fits-all answers, but addressing them thoughtfully and honestly is essential for success.

Perhaps most importantly, Dr. Schwab distinguished between wants and needs when it comes to non-monogamy. For some people, ethical non-monogamy isn't just a preference but a fundamental aspect of their identity. Understanding this distinction can help partners approach these conversations with greater empathy and openness, recognizing that for some individuals, the ability to love multiple people is simply "how they experience intimacy."

Dr. Schwab's recommendation for couples just beginning to explore ethical non-monogamy is to start small: focus on planning for one successful experience rather than trying to change everything at once. Success breeds confidence, and a positive initial experience can demonstrate that "the roof didn't collapse, no one left, I wasn't replaced"—opening the door to further exploration with less fear and anxiety.

For those interested in learning more before speaking with a therapist, Dr. Schwab recommended resources such as "PolySecure," written by Jessica Fern, Esther Perel's work, and Lehmiller's Sex & Psychology Podcast. These resources can help individuals develop greater self-awareness about their own desires and needs before initiating conversations with partners.

The conversation with Dr. Schwab reminds us that every relationship is unique, and that with proper communication, education, and support, ethical non-monogamy can be a viable and fulfilling option for some couples. The key is approaching these discussions with honesty, respect, and a willingness to listen.

You can learn more about Dr. Ethan Schwab's practice here.